Forever Fighting Fat: The Never Ending Weight Loss Journey

A Tribute to Ruth Marcus, 1925-2000

There is a lot going on today: Super Duper Tsunami Tuesday, Mardi Gras, Super Bowl parades. It is a very busy time. However, a candle burns in my kitchen, reminding me of one other important event: Eight years ago today, right about this time, my mother, Ruth Marcus, passed away.

I was not able to be there and I have mixed feelings about that. I feel for my sister and her husband, who were the ones who had to go into her apartment and begin the preparations. I feel for them because after her diagnosis with cancer in January of 2000, it was the two of them who had to take care of her. It was Cindy and Flip who kept her at their house. It was Cindy and Flip who took her to the hospital when she was in bouts of pain. It was Cindy and Flip who had the weight of the world resting on their shoulders.

I lived 700 miles away; it made it extremely difficult to be there; the irony is I already had my airline ticket purchased. I was planning on arriving on February 5 and "going the distance." Being part of everything that would happen. My mother had helped me so many times, that despite how much I wanted to turn and look away, I would not. I could not. I wanted to be there to ease her burden. I wanted to be there to comfort her. I wanted to be there to tell her, in those final moments, "It's OK Mom. You can go."

I never got to do those. As I said, I have mixed feelings.

Randye Perlstein

The first time we saw how he spelled his name (with the "e" at the end), we teased him. That's what teenage boys do. He explained that in New York (where he came from), the name "Randy" was considered a nickname. There was some law against naming your child with a nickname. So, to get around it, his parents added an "e". It mattered not; we still teased him.

He and I were the misfits as teens. I was the nerdy, smart, fat one with the tape on the bridge of my glasses. He struggled through school but didn't seem to care what I looked like. I was teased and pushed allot. He was the victim of countless wedgies. Together, in many ways, we were the odd couple.  All through junior high, we rode our bikes to the mall. When we were 14, we rode to The Broadway to pick up free tickets to see Gary Puckett and the Union Gap in concert at the Hollywood Bowl.We went there  as a double date; it was the first for both of us. I took Sherry Bren. He took my cousin.

He got his driver's license before I did. Then, we drove to movies or went out Pacific Coast Highway to the beach or drove to downtown L.A. to see concerts. We cranked up KHJ on the AM radio and life was good.  I remember that he turned me on to "Happy Together" by The Turtles because he really thought the line, "Happy together, so how is the weather..." was so strange. (Click to hear it) He was always winning stuff on radio call-in contests. He seemed to have incredible luck.

Although I don't know if I looked at him that way back then, if he wasn't my best best friend, he was the most loyal one I had.

Perspective: Of Diets and a Collapsed Bridge

Sometimes, I get so caught up in my feelings of resentment about not being able to "eat what I want" or having to get up early to exercise.

I get cranky. I get upset. I feel life isn't fair.

Maybe it's not. Maybe it's OK to feel cheated or picked upon. After all feelings are what feelings are.

But, then a story as horrific as the collapse of the Minneapolis bridge takes place. (I would have posted a picture but you've probably seen it by now and each time I see it, my heart sinks.)

OK, so I have to eat less before I go to bed. I have to count calories or exercise when I don't want to. At least I'm here to feel that. On the grand scale of problems, I cut back on food while half the world hopes to fill its belly. It could be worse; far, far worse.

My prayers go out to Minneapolis. You are not alone.

The Passing of Albert Ellis

I was saddened to learn that Albert Ellis, Ph. D, died last week. Although I never met the man, I have a great deal of respect for him, partially in truth, because I was compared to him.

In case you didn't know him, he devised a type of therapy he called "Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy" (REBT). In a very small nutshell, the concept is that -- in addition to talking and understanding why one does something -- one must also take actions. The logic is that the body and mind are so interconnected that if you change your actions, you can actually change your thoughts and feelings.

That might sound self-apparent to many but being a victim of "paralysis analysis" myself, I know there have been many times where I get into an emotional spiral and cannot change. By taking an action -- any action -- I think differently. By thinking differently, I feel different. By feeling differently, I act different. One big happy spiral.

Why am I talking about Albert Ellis on ForeverFightingFat.com?

As I went through (and continue to go) my journey on weight loss, I learned it's not about what I do, but what I feel and believe. I will never achieve my goal (or if I will, I will be at odds with myself) unless I change the cause of my actions, my thoughts. My thoughts come from my feelings and beliefs. So, change my beliefs, adjust my feelings, and my thoughts change. I have even devised my own model around this; I call it "LEPS" (Logical - Emotional - Physical - Spiritual).

In most of my presentations, I utilize this model to explain why we do what we do and (hopefully) provide some tools to change the habits we don't like. 

I was speaking a few years ago to the East Texas Foster Parent Association at Steven F. Austin University in Nacogdoches, TX. My contact, Kathleen Belanger, after listening to my suggestions on the presentation asked if I was familiar with Albert Ellis.

"No," I said.

"Wow. You're practically channeling him," she said. "You have to get his book and read it."

I'm someone who enjoys reading, but rarely takes the time. However, this book, A Guide to Rational Living, was one I purchased and actually read. Although I knew nothing of REBT prior this book, I easily resonated with what we said and saw very definite comparisons to my philosophies.

Since then, I've had others tell me the same and although my philosophy has definite differences, and I would not attempt to compare myself on the grand scale to him, I am always flattered. In New Mexico, when I spoke at the San Juan County Partnership, a wonderful dynamic elderly gentleman came up to me who was a devotee of REBT (and I believe had even met Albert). We talked a while. He said how much he enjoyed my presentation and thought I did one of the best jobs he had seen of presenting the concepts. Even though it wasn't REBT, it was one of the nicest compliments I have received.

I never met Dr. Ellis, yet I still am saddened by his loss.

Albert Ellis was 93 and died of natural causes.