Forever Fighting Fat: The Never Ending Weight Loss Journey

United States Postal Service Funny Ad - standing on scale

I saw this on TV yesterday. I thought to myself, "No way I'd stand on a scale in front of other people." Watch the ad; note the ending. Very clever -- and obviously produced by someone losing weight.

Absolutely Hysterical "Interview" with Doctor About Weight Loss -- FUNNY!

I don't know where this comes from but I found it at Weight Watchers today. I read it to the meeting. I had to share it. Enjoy.
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Q:  Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a  nap.

Q:  Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A:  You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn.  And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q:  Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A:  No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy  is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way.  Beer is also made out of grain.  Bottoms up!

Q:  How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A:  Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q:  What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A:  Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is:  No Pain…Good!

Q:  Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A:  YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! ….  Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q:  Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A:  Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q:   Is chocolate bad for me?
A:   Are you crazy? HELLO - Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!

Q:  Is swimming good for your figure?
A:  If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q:   Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A:   Hey!  ‘Round’ is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

AND…..

For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.  Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Newspaper Column: The Thing

My column in the Times-Standard for this week. Enjoy: click here.

Weight Loss Humor: We've All Made Excuses

In today's paper, from Bizarro. Gotta love it!

An unfortunate episode at the clothing store

My column for this week is a humorous rant about clothing store personnel. I hope you'll enjoy. follow this link

Funny website about "why you're fat"

Nothing else needs to be said, just visit this site. http://thisiswhyyourefat.com/

Jumping rope -- without the rope!

As a Weight Watchers leader and THINspirational speaker and columnist, I've heard a whole lot of funny things about weight loss. This ranks as one of the funniest (but I have to admit it almost make sense). It's a jump rope without the rope, just the sound. Click here.

Latest Column

My column this week is a humorous one about an invention everyone needs to lose weight. If you'd like to read it, please see it online at here.

When I Say Size 34, I mean 34, NOT 36!

I am leaving to speak in Ohio. I am trying to get everything into a carry-on bag to allow me more freedom to change flights along the way. (Trying to squeeze everything I need into a 9 x 14 x 22 bag reminds me of trying to squeeze my old 44" waist into a 38" pair of pants.)

In order to be expeditious, I plan out my clothing on a grid (really!). That way, I can make sure that the people who see me speak on Wednesday, won't see me wear the same thing on Thursday. It also helps me determine the minimum amount of clothing to bring. (Does one spell anal-retentive with or without a hypen?) In doing this, I realized that a plain black pair of dress pants could go a long way. Alas, I am not the owner of a plain black pair of dress pants -- so off to the mall I go.

One must understand that two of the biggest anchors we had/have in our mall were Mervyn's (gone) and Gottschalks (going) so our mall is a sad and lonely shell of it's former self. However, there is a men's clothing store remaining and -- in I go.

The gentleman, I presume the owner, greets me as I walk in and asks what I need.

"Black dress pants please."

He looks me up and down and escorts me to the rack of dress pants.

"What size?"

"34 x 30," I reply. I know this well. I personally call it a "32 WLD," which means "32 while lying down," but since he's a professional in the clothing business, he probably calls it a "34." I shall -- in deference to being in his store -- use the same language.

"No, you're a 36," he replies.

Sucking in my stomach -- and feeling extremely self conscious now -- I reply, "No, I'm a 34. Been a 34 for 15 years." I think to myself, "Am I putting on weight? Nah. I've dropped eight pounds in the last several months. Maybe I'm bloated. Does he think I look fat?" Oy, the horrible maelstrom of verbal cacophony blowing about in my gray matter! I don't like shopping for clothes as it is; now I'm feeling that I have to explain myself to this man.  And to top it off, I want to scream at him, "Don't tell me what size I am! I am a professional dieter. Don't you know that I am a Weight Watchers leader? I follow the Momentum plan regularly! I can tell you the points value of every food ever invented."

Alas, I did not, so he continues, oblivious to the paranoia he has foisted upon my shallow, weak ego. "I wear a 34 he says," raising his arms so I can get the full view of this thinnner-than-me waistline. And as an afterthought, realizing one doesn't want to tell the only customer in the store that he's looking tubby, he adds, "these are cut really small." I think he's hoping to appease me with that.

We pull a 36 (yikes!) x 30 from the shelf. He directs me to the dressing room, where I try on the pants. Great day in Heaven, I'm practically swimming in them! A choir of angels calls to me from the clearance section, I am validated.  However, I must vindicate myself.

So, hanging on to my pants like a gen-exer holding up his too-baggy pants, I wander into the middle of the store; where the manager is now helping a family. "Excuse me," I interrupt. After all, they're buying clothes; I'm avoiding a full-scale mental setback. Which is more important? "These are too large."

He makes an excuse to the family, turns to me and tugs at my waist. "Hmm, I think they have a nice fit. They fall well. I think they look good. However, if you want something smaller, we can get that."

Turns out, he didn't have my size  (Do I sense a sales ploy?) so I wandered out of the store to Ross, where I spent half the amount -- and ended up with a 34 x 30.

Suggestion to clothing sales people

Similar to the post I made last year about waiters and waitresses NOT seeing a cleaned plate and saying to the guest, "Wow! You were hungry!"  Do not ever tell a patron they are larger than they say they are. If I want to squeeze my 62" into a 38", you go right ahead and let me do it. Just clear the store for when the button pops.

New Weight Loss Invention - Lose Weight Even When You Don't!

I really hate to do this to you; after all, for four years you’ve been so loyal and supportive and helpful and all. However, a guy’s gotta make a livin’, you know? And — especially in an economy like this — I gotta make hay when the sun shines, fly when the wind is beneath my wings, strike while the iron is hot. In effect, it’s time to move on.

However, since we’ve been together and shared so much, I think I owe you an explanation. Gather round my feet and hear my tale.

I have learned to only weigh myself once a week. You see, before I became enlightened, I would jump on the scale several times a day. First thing out of bed, I’m on the scale. Drink a few cups of coffee? Better check again. Twenty minutes of walking? See the effects on what I weigh.

It was a non-stop roller coaster of ups and downs, frustration and exhilaration. But, I’m thinking — just an idea — it’s a touch obsessive when you’re spending more time monitoring your weight than day-traders check the stock market. I could be wrong; but I’m not thinking so.

So, what to do? After all, one of the keys to successful habit change is to monitor on a regular basis (albeit that does not mean “minute by minute”). And then the idea comes to me, I will allow myself one “unofficial” weigh-in per week. Since I weigh myself on a calibrated scale at my meeting each Monday afternoon, I will only weigh myself at home on Monday mornings. That way, I can “calibrate” my scale with the other one and should I not be able to attend my meeting, I’ll still be able to see how I’m doing. Brilliant, just brilliant, even if I do say so myself.

Over time, I learned that the difference between my scale and the calibrated one is five pounds. In other words, if I weigh 180 on my scale (which I usually do), my “real” weight is 185. (I’d rather it be the other way, but ‘tis what ‘tis.)

OK, so here’s what happens.

Two weeks ago, I get on my scale and, lo and behold, I weigh 177! Wow! Way righteously cool! That means my ORW (Official Real Weight) will be 182, the number I’ve been shooting for for the last several months! Hallelujah! Praise the saints! Glory be! I’m dancing in my skivvies (please don’t focus on that image too long), exhilarated by the prospect of achieving my goal — at least until I weigh in formally in the afternoon, where the ORW is still 184.

“Say what?” I ask the scale, “My home scale said 177. You should be reading 182. What gives?” Defiant, it merely reflects stoically the flashing red LED. There is no arguing with the scale. I am a broken man when I come to the realization that my scale is now off by seven pounds instead of five.

Fast forward to last week’s Monday morning ritual. After a week of passing up all sorts of goodies, determined to reach my happy place of 182. Today, the scale Gods smile upon me yet again. Today’s number? 175! Add seven (not five) and one reaches the magic land of 182. Repeat skivvies dance. Repeat praise to the heavens. Repeat disappointment as again, I weigh 184.

Then it dawns on me!